I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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