i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
