I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
