Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
