The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize