im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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