i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
