Umm I'm too high to move.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
