My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
