So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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