took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
