my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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