Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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