Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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