I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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