What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
