I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
