Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Randomize
