Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How external is "for external use only"?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize