i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
