I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
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At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
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Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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