Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
