Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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