I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
