Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
