i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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