dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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