if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
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You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
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Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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