On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
