I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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