I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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