just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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