I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
