Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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