Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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