I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
whose parrot is this?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
