Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
