dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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