my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
