She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
