We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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