"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
