i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
