Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
