Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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