Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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