I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
