I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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