piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
