i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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