took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
