Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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