i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Send help, water and tortillas.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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