I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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